How to be Happy

Plan and book your next holiday

Buy something.  Even if it is for someone else.

Give.

Eat.

Sleep.

Talk to an old friend.

Drink alcohol.

Watch cartoons.

Walk to nowhere.

Jog.

Sweat it out.

Splurge on yourself.

Build something.

december blues

I thought I was a bigger person than this... but I am wrong.

I thought I have never hated anyone but I am wrong...

I saw a picture minutes ago and it incited very negative feelings inside of me... I got into bed trying to sleep but I just can't shake off how I felt...

I talked to J... it helped a little...

I talked to dad.. it helped a little...

So I decided to write my feelings out... 

Happy pictures of this person simply piss me off cos I don't think this person deserve it...  I used to sympathise with this person.. but now all I feel is anger... and jealousy perhaps... that made me feel even worse.

Live well - I told myself... cause that is the best revenge 

Have you ever bought something knowing it is expensive...

but you have no other choice...

cause that something is not sold somewhere else...

and that something is cheaper to other alternatives?


yes,  we have.  we just did.

paying three times more than usual for a hotel room during peak season... staycation in Sentosa Cove...

ok, less hassle than taking a flight out with two young kids for a short beach holiday in another country.

ok ok

ok

okay

Ignored

Hate it when I am being ignored...

Especially by someone who has accepted my money for by standard products...

pui cau nua ( hokkien)

pfttt!

SICK

I hate it when the kids are sick.. ...

I am worried sick even when they complain of ulcer, what more hacking coughs and congested nose that keep them  (and me) up and night....

I hate it when they have fevers.... with or without other symptoms....

I hate it when they fall and hit their heads or fracture their bones....

I hate it even when they complain of toothache and I thought of the worst (decayed tooth that spread to the roots resulting in premature extraction, causing orthodontic problems later in life)

I hate it when they don't eat well, usually leading to diarrhea, fever...

I hate it when they complain of headaches which could lead to nausea and a mess..

I worry because I have no good doctors I can trust here...

Online shopping... yeay or nay

First, there was ebay, Amazon, then, there are a milliom others... even Friendster and Instagram.

Yes, I have fallen prey to online shopping...

I sat in the comfort of my PJs, willing strangers million of miles away to take money away from my bank, without even opening my wallet...

I AM AN ADDICT...   no, I am not a shopaholic... I am just an online shopaholic.  The most I have partednwith is USD 15k... and what am I doing????????????  I had never seen the product.  Only low pixel pictures online for pete's sake....  It is the excitement and adrenaline rush of clicking the Pay button... and the anticipation of waiting for the parcel, ... opening it!

It's like receiving presents!

Well well,  half the time I was estatic.... items were exactly as promised... half the time I felt downright cheated.  The worst scenario would be to receive a diffrerent object as shown in the website.  Swindlers.  Complaints were ignored.  Returns were rejected.  Good thing they were small items...

What had happened to me?

I used to scoff at people desperate enough to buy online from small retailers, especially for branded goods.  I mean, all sorts of risks are there.... fakes, different items as seen in pictures, faulty items hidden in low pixel photographs, used items passing off as brand new.

Seriously, online shopping like a gambling addiction.  You need to have major losses or serious burns to keep off.... bad experience is the best cure.

Meanwhile, I am going to continue my online shopping with big name shops for small items.... like books ok... I mean the weight of ten books is something to be reckoned with... and they sell them at half the price local book store is retailing... and the selection is hundred times bigger.

Nuff said...

all in the state of the mind

i look forward to Melbourne

it is an adventure.

it is an exciting time of my life

we ae going to have fun

we will be happy

we are going to enjoy the outdoors

we are going to miss Melbourne

time flies

happy happy happy

I wish.....

I WISH

I can walk in the sand

Feel the breeze

Listen to the waves

Smell the sea

and

Worry about nothing...


I WISH
I can turn back time

Take back my words

Erase my hurt

and

Undo the wrongs



I WISH
I know then
The bliss I had
The tears I shed
are beautiful

Is it December already?

I love December.  December is like the Sunday of the year.

When I was much younger, I always take time to reflect in the last month of the year and then write down my New Year's Resolutions..

Do people still have New Year's Resolutions?  I think most of us know from the very minute we pen down these NYR that we will never fulfill all that we have written.  But it always feels nice, doesn't it?  It is as if we are given a fresh start, a second chance to do good...

Reflections:
2014 has been a difficult year for me so far.

Seaparation:
I spent the first three months of the year being separated from my husband and daughter and had to take full responsibilties for Landon.  I had no one to share or talk to about my worries, about my loneliness, about my pain, about my anger, about my sadness.

On top of that, I had to cook and clean... that amplified the hardships I was facing...

I think it got better each month... And I think it was directly corelated to spending few days apart as a family...

Child:
L has improved tremendously over the last six months and I think the therapies and patience and monies have finally paid off....

He knows a lot of vocabs now and can understand most of the things we say now.  He still needs to improve on articulation, reading and writing ... but we are thankful as it is.

Career:
The little that I have left...  we pursued a Child eduation franchise.  We got it but I couldn't follow through with it because I have decided to focus 100 percent on L for the next one year.  I don't feel much regret or loss as ening a franchise here is not in line with my long term goals.  But am peased we got it and thought it wold have been a great learning experience for me.  Coincidence, or is it the stage of our life? ... my bff is setting up a new biz too.

Overall, the year has been difficult but I am glad that it wasn't all that bad.  It has been a long and winding road... but we still get there didn't we.

2015 Resolutions:
1.  Shop less online!
2.  Be patient
3.  Learn to Draw
4.   Learn to Bake
5.  Complain less
6.  Read more
7. Listen more
8.  Exercise!
9.  Be happy...

What are you thankful for today?

Thanksgiving was over and done with few days ago.  I don't celebrate Thanksgiving but I love it, even though we don't get a holiday on this day as we are not in States.  But I totally get it... I mean the significance of this day... counting blessings, not forgetting people we love and taking time to enjoy this special day with them... Even though most romantic comedies involving American families have used this day to showcase how awkward and awful some gatherings could be.  Still, it remains the most favourite holiday of mine since uni days in States as we always get the long weekend off... hehehe... beautiful memories... not involving the crazy black Friday shopping though... they didn't have that yet then...

Totally off tangent.

I was laying in bed, feeling calm, contented... because I had a good day... and counting my blessings.  Now that my bombastic diarrhea is finally gone, my mind is cleared... and I can type and think with ease... no, I don't think with my @ss, but when you are dehydrated and weak from running to and fro the toilet, you tend to forget to see the good around you.

First, Landon can finally write... simple numbers, with the correct sequence, with help... but he can... and he wants to.  I am HAPPY.  Very happy....  apparently, the trick is to keep the time short, but practise often throughout the day... 

Second, we finally paid the setup fee for Landon's course in Melbourne and the school has gotten back to us.  I finally accepted the reality that I will be going with Landon for the EI program.  At the back of my mind, I kept finding excuses and signs not to go... Kept thinking of the fear of being separated from J and A... living out of my comfort zone in a strange land... sigh..

Also, the amount of money we are going to spend.... and what if results are not satisfactory?  Much ado about nothing...  What if all he needed was time to grow and blossom...

Third, I couldn't find anything to worry about...

Fourth, did some online shopping...

Fifth, came to terms with the loss of my stock portfolio...

Well,  today,  I am thankful for everything I mentioned above...

And today, I remember someone's mum said: Don't worry about the future... Make sure we do our best now... And the future will take care of itself..

I felt a little sadder today

Melancholy has striked

I thought of beautiful places and memories...

Instead of feeling happy, I felt sad...

I felt a sense of loss that didn't make sense.






Later in the day,  i saw a video of how smart and lovable our nephew is...

And I felt inadequate and jealous and envious...

And wished my son is so...

I forgot to appreciate the great improvements he shown...

And I forgot to be thankful...

for the healthy boy he is now...

I TRIED MY BEST...

to be good today.

I tried not to raise my voice unnecessarily.

I taught the little ones some writing and reading....

I played with them  a little longer today...

And kept them off the TV as long as I could.

But I did break down and forget once in awhile...

Then I reminded myself to be better the next time.

i don't like

whining

waiting

faking

shouting

cold shopping centres

sick kids

horrible news involving children

kids' nightmares

awaken prematurely

obnoxious people

these are a few of my favourite things...

online shopping!

receiving parcels!

Outdoors...

planning a holiday!

making reservations!

giving!

receiving!

little children laughter and innocent remarks...

kissing my kids...

watching them sleep

smelling their hair

looking into their eyes...

that horrible part of me....

is envious of her

envy... it makes me forget my blessings

envy... it takes away my focus in life

envy... it makes me think what I have is not good enough

envy... it makes me forget the good in me

envy... i forget to live my life

envy... it darkens my soul

envy... it makes me forget the good in me

yet... i know... what I have is  so much better than what she has....  yet she makes me feel otherwise and inadequate... because she knows... what she has, i can never have... because i am who i am...

A step forward

Today, I noticed there was a leap in L's development.

He was using more words to play and communicate with his sister, thus less fights occurred.  They were able to play together and had fun!

Later in the night, when he witnesses me scolding A, he actually went to A and asked her to say sorry to Mama... And tried to pull her towards me.

:)

Messed up head. Messed up heart. Messed up words.

I have been super stressed out lately.

Patience runs short.

Tempers fly quickly.

Words shoot off loudly.

I think I am putting immerse emotional stress to the people I love most as they are around me most of the time.  J has taking it in strike and as usual, always put things into perspective for me.  Throwing wise quotes once in a while.  The ones who suffer most are the little ones... Four and six.  The worst part is , I know I shouldn't have at those times and yet, I still do.  Using mean words.  Constant nagging.  Scoldings... Horrible.  I am officially a self diagnosed bipolar.

Years ago, J would have attributed these out burst as PMS.  For years, I have told him it doesn't exist and it is sexist to even use that comment on your partner!

Or does it?

tolerence

learning to hold my comments

learning to hold my anger

learning to take it easy

learning to be patient

learning to control my temper

learning to undo my idealism

learning to blend in

learning to localise


breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe breathe

--- outspoken bitch signing off

savior?

Finally found a qualified therapist for Landon... BCBA, US grad, eight years of working experiences with special kids... . can't wait to meet her...

If this work out, I won't have to move to Singapore.

Yeay...

jugglers

I have been juggling laundry, moping, managing the kids and pursuing the franchise at the same time...

I admit.  These have taken a toll on me and the difficult part is not receiving any support.  On top of that, we have to deal with their negativity thrown right in our face, on a daily basis.  Look, I am only human...

I don't mind the physical hardship... just keep your tongue in cheek comments to yourself ok.

a new year

ah... finally I am back... this is beginning to be an annual web diary for me.

could it be life is too slow here that I have nothing to update?

or could be I had been contented with life the last 16 months and found no need to use this outlet of stress.

or did too many things happen and I had no time to write?

whatever it is...  Everytime I think of this place, this outlet, this blog, it is always in my times of depression.

the last one year had been tough for me.

1.  L

my biggest worry has been L.
his development, his behavioral issues, his speech, his fine motoric skills, his understanding of the world...

i think it had come to the lowest point last August after our holidays.  so much so that we enrolled him in endless speech therapies, occupational therapies (what the hell is that?) and eventually ABA program early this year.  I even stayed in Singapore with him for four months and sent him to an Autistic school even though he wasn't autistic thinking he might benefit from the intensive program there.

sad to say, only the only thing we got is a thinner bank account but there were no significant positive change in him.

after months of trying everything else, his speech improved!  and it is true, there are no short cuts in life.... according to a therapist, everything can be taught to a child, even a low functioning one, through practice and persistence.

L is still far feom peers his age but he is now able too use the scissors and does some pasting... his areas of interests have expanded, enabling him to enjoy a wider range of activities, thus improving his fine motoric skills and mental development.

now, the main issue is compliance, which is crucial to his learning.  that also mean he often disrupts his class lesson time and I was called in to meet his teachers and principal this week.  they requested a shadow teacher.... yes, I said.  u can find one, i will pay.  they then said they will get a college student or fresh grad... sigh... if they think all they need is a pair of hands to hold him down, then so be it.  I am too tired to explain the role of a shadow teacher, what more the qualifications involved.

I have to juggle Ashlyn, Landon, housework and sacarsm from housemates at the same time.  so I wouldn't waste too much effort on this.  sometimes we have to consider the quality of our audience before we decide to communicate to them.  this is also applicable to the ego centred chinese teacher in Ash's school who openly put her down because Ash questioned the teacher on the accuracy of the pronouciation of a mandarin word.  instead of explaining and teaching my girl the correct pronouciation, the defensive teacher said: if some people don't want to learn from me, they can learn from their mums.  geez.. she is only six for pete's sake.  and she asked because she is eager to learn.. I had met several teachers in my life- competent, incompetent, but never a defensive incompetent one who is so hard up about her ego that she forgets who she is.. and the role she plays in a child's world...  for a child, teachers are everything... what teachers say, they over ride what a parent taught.

well, thanks for the patient ear.  my husband wouldn't have kept quiet for so long without interupting...