am i autistic

What is Autism?

I have been interested in this topic more than ten years ago and till now, I know nothing much about it.  Although I did scratched the surface by googling about it, browsing through books in local bookstores, and having a niece who is autistic.

At times, I see her struggles with keeping calm and controlling her emotions... and I think to myself, it is a mental illness...  L has it too? sometimes I think L is stupid, L thinks abnormally, L is crazy?  at times I think, many years back, when people are less informed and exposed about autism, many would have been labelled mad, and get madder...

to be honest, aren't I autistic too? High functioning one maybe.  Many times I just shoot off my mouth, am socially inept, do the wrong things... and have troubles making new friends or keeping them.

Infact, I was not that interested in making friends when I was young.  And to be honest, find it difficult to make new ones when I wanted to.

I don't know what to say to make them want to talk to me more or hang out with me more.  And I don't know how to pretend.  

4 April - Lunar Eclipse

I am typing under a total Lunar eclipse at the moment and just wanted to record this very moment down.

It's funny how as I get older, I grow to love and appreciate nature more.  The sound of rustling leaves, the big old trees, the animals, the flowing river, the cool air, the grass beneath my shoes, the feel of sand slipping through my fingers, the smell of oak, the blueness of clear cloudless skies.

Maybe I am entering a different stage of my life.

Caring more about the environment and the community.  It is a long journey and I am glad I am fortunate enough to travel on it.

Some believe that the blood moon has a psychological aspect on people's feelings and behavior; a time for growth, releases, new beginnings, auspicious...

Maybe that's what I am going through at the moment.

A lunar eclipse has never meant much to me until tonight... and I feel good to be able to see it without planning.

Maybe life is such.  Some good things can never be planned.

Mid life uncrisis, here I come.