I felt a little sadder today

Melancholy has striked

I thought of beautiful places and memories...

Instead of feeling happy, I felt sad...

I felt a sense of loss that didn't make sense.






Later in the day,  i saw a video of how smart and lovable our nephew is...

And I felt inadequate and jealous and envious...

And wished my son is so...

I forgot to appreciate the great improvements he shown...

And I forgot to be thankful...

for the healthy boy he is now...

I TRIED MY BEST...

to be good today.

I tried not to raise my voice unnecessarily.

I taught the little ones some writing and reading....

I played with them  a little longer today...

And kept them off the TV as long as I could.

But I did break down and forget once in awhile...

Then I reminded myself to be better the next time.

i don't like

whining

waiting

faking

shouting

cold shopping centres

sick kids

horrible news involving children

kids' nightmares

awaken prematurely

obnoxious people

these are a few of my favourite things...

online shopping!

receiving parcels!

Outdoors...

planning a holiday!

making reservations!

giving!

receiving!

little children laughter and innocent remarks...

kissing my kids...

watching them sleep

smelling their hair

looking into their eyes...

that horrible part of me....

is envious of her

envy... it makes me forget my blessings

envy... it takes away my focus in life

envy... it makes me think what I have is not good enough

envy... it makes me forget the good in me

envy... i forget to live my life

envy... it darkens my soul

envy... it makes me forget the good in me

yet... i know... what I have is  so much better than what she has....  yet she makes me feel otherwise and inadequate... because she knows... what she has, i can never have... because i am who i am...

A step forward

Today, I noticed there was a leap in L's development.

He was using more words to play and communicate with his sister, thus less fights occurred.  They were able to play together and had fun!

Later in the night, when he witnesses me scolding A, he actually went to A and asked her to say sorry to Mama... And tried to pull her towards me.

:)

Messed up head. Messed up heart. Messed up words.

I have been super stressed out lately.

Patience runs short.

Tempers fly quickly.

Words shoot off loudly.

I think I am putting immerse emotional stress to the people I love most as they are around me most of the time.  J has taking it in strike and as usual, always put things into perspective for me.  Throwing wise quotes once in a while.  The ones who suffer most are the little ones... Four and six.  The worst part is , I know I shouldn't have at those times and yet, I still do.  Using mean words.  Constant nagging.  Scoldings... Horrible.  I am officially a self diagnosed bipolar.

Years ago, J would have attributed these out burst as PMS.  For years, I have told him it doesn't exist and it is sexist to even use that comment on your partner!

Or does it?