am i autistic

What is Autism?

I have been interested in this topic more than ten years ago and till now, I know nothing much about it.  Although I did scratched the surface by googling about it, browsing through books in local bookstores, and having a niece who is autistic.

At times, I see her struggles with keeping calm and controlling her emotions... and I think to myself, it is a mental illness...  L has it too? sometimes I think L is stupid, L thinks abnormally, L is crazy?  at times I think, many years back, when people are less informed and exposed about autism, many would have been labelled mad, and get madder...

to be honest, aren't I autistic too? High functioning one maybe.  Many times I just shoot off my mouth, am socially inept, do the wrong things... and have troubles making new friends or keeping them.

Infact, I was not that interested in making friends when I was young.  And to be honest, find it difficult to make new ones when I wanted to.

I don't know what to say to make them want to talk to me more or hang out with me more.  And I don't know how to pretend.  

4 April - Lunar Eclipse

I am typing under a total Lunar eclipse at the moment and just wanted to record this very moment down.

It's funny how as I get older, I grow to love and appreciate nature more.  The sound of rustling leaves, the big old trees, the animals, the flowing river, the cool air, the grass beneath my shoes, the feel of sand slipping through my fingers, the smell of oak, the blueness of clear cloudless skies.

Maybe I am entering a different stage of my life.

Caring more about the environment and the community.  It is a long journey and I am glad I am fortunate enough to travel on it.

Some believe that the blood moon has a psychological aspect on people's feelings and behavior; a time for growth, releases, new beginnings, auspicious...

Maybe that's what I am going through at the moment.

A lunar eclipse has never meant much to me until tonight... and I feel good to be able to see it without planning.

Maybe life is such.  Some good things can never be planned.

Mid life uncrisis, here I come.

Bad luck

As luck would have it, or as bad habits go...

I got slapped with a 400 dollar fine yesterday for holding my phone while driving.  Technically I wasnt driving cause I was stopping at the traffic light.  But who was I to argue with the man in uniform.  They always think they are right.

To be honest I am addicted to my phone.  Who isnt? They are so smart. And they get us out of awkward situations... We can whip it out anytime we are alone or when we feel we are ignored.

So, it has become such that I like to handle it once in a while for no reason; sometimes just to check instagram which has no updates...

Ok, so 400 bucks saved my life... It is distracting and dangerous to use the phone when driving.  Several times I was delayed in the traffic light because of it...  I guess I deserve it.

I am still traumatised by my phone at the moment. And everytime I look at it, I see the policeman. Yuck.  What an unpleasant feeling...

So, if u r reading this, dont use the phone when u r driving. Dont even hold it. Dont even look at it...

I wonder when they are going to forbid music whilst driving too. It's distracting.  What about thinking of problems whilst driving ... And drinking water, talking to kids, ... Etc...

White Picket Fence

Behind every white picket fence, there is a story we don't know.

M has everything; a big beautiful house, a loving doctor husband, the smartest sweetest boy ever and an autistic daughter.

Likewise, when others look upon ny life and the pictures that I showed... Do they see the white picket fence that we see everyday?

The white picket fence that we hide behind?

Cause sometimes we want things to be alright.

We want people to think we are fine...

And we feel fine?

I lost it

swimsuit


I lost L swimsuit at the waterpark today. And i blame it all on bananas...

What happened was, it was a long weekend due to Labour Day in Australia and M planned a day at the waterprk with her two kids. M is my sis in law, husband's side.

The day started out ok. I got a little lost and finally got there not long after M.  I was a tiny bit disappointed she didn't wait for me at the entrance but understood the kids might have been impatient.  Got a text from her saying she was waiting for me at the pool.

I didn't know where to change and ended up in this faraway open air locker, changing in a portale toilet... The wind was very strong and I was reluctant to let L swim as it was very cold... But since M was waiting, we went... In our swimsuit, we went to the pool area, braved the cold water and crazy wind and M was bowhere insight. Seriously, my heart fell at that very moment.  I was stupid enough to stand in the cold, dripping wet with L and kept waiting for M to appear...  After half an hour, M's husband appeared and said they changed their plans as the it was too cold...

Ok...

So we left and changed into our shirts in the faraway toilet and braved the bloody cold once more. Felt sick to the bones. L was shivering long after he got dressed. Understand that he is a weak skinny lil thing...

On the way to look for M, L saw some rides and took them.  That was the point that I gave up on basic human relation n teamwork and just f it and did what he wanted.

We finally caught on w M for lunch, then did our own things again as M was clearly not interested to have the outing together.

I don't think I was too sensitive... I am just too aware of human and their intentions... That made ne such a loner, with few solid friends...

Anthony said people know that too... And that's why they shun me.. Hahaha

It all this fretting about L, I left his swimsuit at the park...

Sometimes, our grading of how nice a place is depends on our feelings at that time... I don't know if the park was nice... It didn't feel good then...

Bananas? Asians who live overseas for so long they think and behave like angmohs... 無情。

Cause M left with her brood earlier without us...

Sigh

completed my to do list today! yeay!

just yeay

I LOST IT

my sanity.

i was sad

because L was scratched by his classmate... and there is a little wound now... and because?
L saw a hole in his classmate's shorts and poke his finger there... geez... talk , won't you, my little naive boy...

forgive me for i have...

lost my temper and smack L on his head...

after the holidays, L was very lazy and and refused to work on his writing or reading...  i had to bribe, threaten and etc to persuade him to do some work...

when he struggles with anything, he refuses to learn or pay attention and won't even look at me..

how can i teach him then?

i finally lost my temper and humainity and hit his head with my palm...

he just got over smacking his sis in the head and now, i did it.

geez... so it wasn't a surprise when i recieve complains from his teacher the following day that he hit someone on the head and later, his sister at home..


forgive me...

who?

i am verbally abusive at times too.
when i prayed that night, i asked for patience too... and wisdom...

look after me, won't you

How to be Happy

Plan and book your next holiday

Buy something.  Even if it is for someone else.

Give.

Eat.

Sleep.

Talk to an old friend.

Drink alcohol.

Watch cartoons.

Walk to nowhere.

Jog.

Sweat it out.

Splurge on yourself.

Build something.

december blues

I thought I was a bigger person than this... but I am wrong.

I thought I have never hated anyone but I am wrong...

I saw a picture minutes ago and it incited very negative feelings inside of me... I got into bed trying to sleep but I just can't shake off how I felt...

I talked to J... it helped a little...

I talked to dad.. it helped a little...

So I decided to write my feelings out... 

Happy pictures of this person simply piss me off cos I don't think this person deserve it...  I used to sympathise with this person.. but now all I feel is anger... and jealousy perhaps... that made me feel even worse.

Live well - I told myself... cause that is the best revenge 

Have you ever bought something knowing it is expensive...

but you have no other choice...

cause that something is not sold somewhere else...

and that something is cheaper to other alternatives?


yes,  we have.  we just did.

paying three times more than usual for a hotel room during peak season... staycation in Sentosa Cove...

ok, less hassle than taking a flight out with two young kids for a short beach holiday in another country.

ok ok

ok

okay

Ignored

Hate it when I am being ignored...

Especially by someone who has accepted my money for by standard products...

pui cau nua ( hokkien)

pfttt!

SICK

I hate it when the kids are sick.. ...

I am worried sick even when they complain of ulcer, what more hacking coughs and congested nose that keep them  (and me) up and night....

I hate it when they have fevers.... with or without other symptoms....

I hate it when they fall and hit their heads or fracture their bones....

I hate it even when they complain of toothache and I thought of the worst (decayed tooth that spread to the roots resulting in premature extraction, causing orthodontic problems later in life)

I hate it when they don't eat well, usually leading to diarrhea, fever...

I hate it when they complain of headaches which could lead to nausea and a mess..

I worry because I have no good doctors I can trust here...

Online shopping... yeay or nay

First, there was ebay, Amazon, then, there are a milliom others... even Friendster and Instagram.

Yes, I have fallen prey to online shopping...

I sat in the comfort of my PJs, willing strangers million of miles away to take money away from my bank, without even opening my wallet...

I AM AN ADDICT...   no, I am not a shopaholic... I am just an online shopaholic.  The most I have partednwith is USD 15k... and what am I doing????????????  I had never seen the product.  Only low pixel pictures online for pete's sake....  It is the excitement and adrenaline rush of clicking the Pay button... and the anticipation of waiting for the parcel, ... opening it!

It's like receiving presents!

Well well,  half the time I was estatic.... items were exactly as promised... half the time I felt downright cheated.  The worst scenario would be to receive a diffrerent object as shown in the website.  Swindlers.  Complaints were ignored.  Returns were rejected.  Good thing they were small items...

What had happened to me?

I used to scoff at people desperate enough to buy online from small retailers, especially for branded goods.  I mean, all sorts of risks are there.... fakes, different items as seen in pictures, faulty items hidden in low pixel photographs, used items passing off as brand new.

Seriously, online shopping like a gambling addiction.  You need to have major losses or serious burns to keep off.... bad experience is the best cure.

Meanwhile, I am going to continue my online shopping with big name shops for small items.... like books ok... I mean the weight of ten books is something to be reckoned with... and they sell them at half the price local book store is retailing... and the selection is hundred times bigger.

Nuff said...